CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
