Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
