Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
