I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
