i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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