I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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