Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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