I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
