Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I need a burrito and a hug.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
