I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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