She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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