my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
