I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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