textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
