Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
