my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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