i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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