My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
