I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
