Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
