i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
