I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
