Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
