I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
