I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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