hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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