I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
