I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
