True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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