i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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