Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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