Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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