He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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