everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
