I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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