So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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