Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
