had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
