it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
