We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
