just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
