I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
