Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
