I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
