I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
