I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
