Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
