That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
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He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize