dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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