Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
