He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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