Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
