I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
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