I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
