I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize